notes on the decline of the human race

There are three kinds of cat dinner. Well, four, if you count the fancy food on plates that the big people get. But I've about given up on that to be honest.

There are "crunchies", which are dry and boring and a bit rubbish. Avoid these.
There are "pouches", which are moist and lovely but there is not enough to eat in them.
And there is "tin", which is near mythical and full of lovely food.

I'd almost forgotten about tin... I used to get it when I was a little kitten but not for years and years now. Sometimes I see the humans opening tins but they don't have amelia-food in, just more human food.

Then one day recently there was tin food - it was amazing and I was really happy. But there was a horrible price to pay.

The in-and-out hole in the door got all broken, so I couldn't get in. And horrid rotten rubbish Daddy put me outside after my supper, and I couldn't come in till morning.

You other cats (pfah! hiss!) will know that the bit outside the house is your territory, and you defend it from the OtherCats that live nearby. But I hadn't been bothered with this, and OtherCats had taken over everywhere. Mummy reckoned that this must be what's making me sad recently.

But it's not. I tell you Mummy. What's making me sad is that everyone comes over and makes a big fuss over midget (who calls me "AT!" and pulls my fur) and ignores me.

But a bit more "tin" would help me forget...

We're going on holiday - mum and dad are very excited. Dad is showing this by sleeping, while mum tries to entertain me and pack boxes simultaneously. I noticed she packed my travel basket, presumably so I don't get too excited when they pack the midget off to midget-kennels.

I hope that holiday has milky, lots of people to adore me, and a big warm carpet to roll on.

...this is RUBBISH.

They've only gone and got a new cat. And when I say, "cat" I mean that very loosely. This new "cat":

• Has no fur, apart from a little bit on the head


• Can't climb on stuff and jump on the windowsill


• Can't use a litter tray (and I get in so much trouble if I miss it)


• Can't clean itself like I can


• Can't even walk!

But it gets all the attention. Whenever it yells the humans go running, it drinks creamy lovely milk ALL THE TIME every day, gets cleaned up and fussed over, loads of cuddles. Whenever they go out they take this thing with them, so it's useless at guarding the house by pretending to sleep like I do. It has a whole room to itself that I'm not even allowed in. And I get shouted at when I'm sick (and I really can't help it) but this little new "cat" gets cooed over even more!

So I've decided. I'm going on strike.

No more guarding the house, no more testing that clothes and duvets are thick enough with my claws. No more shouting at the outside cats. No more chasing the special flashing light mice that come sometimes at night and I can never catch.

That's it.

Let's see how they cope...

Everything's warm and sunny at the moment, so I mostly lounge in the window. I've been spending a lot of time with a lady who keeps me in a pen and feeds me loads of fishy treats. Except now I'm back with the normal humans - peh!

I'm also not allowed in the spare room. Didn't used to bother me, but I noticed there's a special box on legs in there now, and lots of small woollen clothes that I could be sitting on. I think they must be keeping it as a surprise cat-room for any day now...

Life is sweet!

I've got this sussed now, if I go to the toilet in any of the usual places (near the door, in the big white thing) then I get shouted at and made to go outside. This seems to have made my mum very happy.

But just to let them know who's boss, I've taken to scritching around in the big white thing in the middle of the night, as if I had been to the toilet. This means that fluffy daddy has to get up and check. Such fun.

In other news, my mum and day keep looking at this strange picture all the time on the moving pictures box. It seems to be all about a people-vet! It's scary because amelia-vets are the worst people in the world, but these pictures of people-vets that shout all the time seem to make them happy. Maybe it's because the main people-vet looks a bit like fluffy-daddy. I don't know. People are strange.

The kitchen smells funny and is a new colour.

My humans have got a new thing to do, which the call working fromhome. What it means is that they don't go out of the house all day and then come back when it gets dark. Instead they sit down still and do the tapping pictures game for hours, which is rubbish, but sometimes they give me a cuddle which is good. And the Orange God which is the best thing in the whole house seems to come more often when the humans are working fromhome.

I've never written about Orange God. It is a holey thing that sits at the side of the big room downstairs. Mostly it is boring but then sometimes it glows Orange and that means that the God is ready for Amelia. The God makes me feel all warm and cosy - I lie next to it in my little box and it feels lovely. I think the humans have something to do with when the God comes, but I know that sometimes they make it go away!!

Do any people that read this know how I can make the Orange God come all the time?

Mum appears to be growing a new cat throne for me. I've noticed now that when I sleep on her tummy, it's warm and elevated a bit. This seems to be increasing, so soon I hope to be the highest thing on the bed, which is as it should be.

In other news, I had a fight outside the other week. So now I mainly try to poo in the corner of the porch or in the bath. New-daddy throws me outside when I do that, but to be honest, it's definitely too late at the point. Mum seems to have stopped cleaning up my poo since she started growing my throne, so I guess she needs all her energy for that.

I haven't been sick in ages, so I'm getting quite porky now.

A new friend has arrived - a big green cat that sits in the corner of the room. It generally arrives once a year. One year it brought sweets stuck to its paws. I ate them, and blamed old-daddy when mum got cross.

Actually, I'm impressed even less with this cat than with most other cats (except Kemble - she was OK). This cat is stupid and lets the owners dress it up in sparkly balls and string. Balls and string are for baby cats; sparkly is for no cat within any self-respect.

The new friends I met at the weekend were more interesting, although they didn't feed me. One of them was called "kat" too. I liked her, but they were all good. Next time they come, it's their turn to feed me.

Mummy and new fluffy daddy have been rotten to me. First mummy took me to the house of punishment, where they stuck needles into my bottom, and now twice every day I have to eat a horrible pink thing that doesn't taste like fishy at all. In fact, it tastes so bad that I won't eat it, so mummy and fluffy daddy hold me on my back and throw it down my throat, and then tickle my throat untill I swallow it. I HATE that.

Yesterday I got mummy back, I managed to pretend that I had swallowed the not-fishy but threw it on the floor. Later that night I felt really itchy so I cleaned myself lots, and then in the morning I was sick in the bedroom and then the landing and then the downstairs so mummy had to clean it all up. Ha!

The other wierd thing that has happened is that there is no more toilet! Instead there is a strange amelia-sized window in the door and if I go near it the window opens so I can go out. There is a strange metal thing next to my name badge and I think that is something to do with it. So i've been doing toilet in the garden, but yesterday it rained so I went in the bathroom sink.

I moved back to my old house at the weekend. It's OK - nice big orange warm thing in front of my rug. Last week I was by the see. Couldn't really see it myself, but it smelled a bit of fishy.

Talking of fishy, I'm still throwing up a lot. It went away for a while, but now it's back. Fluffy-haired dad thinks I'm eating rubbish, but Mummy reckons it's because I have a rash, and I pull all the hair off my bottom, which then irritates my stomach and makes me sick.

And makes my bum look weird.

And they mentioned the vet....